right now

2024 Oct 02

i don't really know what to do with this blog. i thought maybe it should just be documentation, tutorials, stuff like that, but i realized... i wanna do more with it! i'm proud that i wrote this site from scratch even if i was mostly relying on the rails base web app guide and then i added in icons with help and encouragement from friends. sure i have my personal online journals that also work as blogs, but i want this to be a more public, front-facing thing for anyone who comes across it. i wanna keep sharing my nerd shit adventures but i wanna talk a bit about myself too here.

so yeah. i'm kat. i'll be 20 in less than a week from today. i'm a lesbian who's never felt the touch of a woman and i rarely go outside but i'm trying to change that. i'm trying to change a lot of things lately. depression has come back with a vengeance but i'm working on that.

i dockerized an application made by one person because i saw the site they built with it and i thought it was a cute idea. it's a golang based web app for posting little status updates about yourself. it's quite nice. check out status.cafe to see it live - my friend irene (hey, irene!) showed it to me one day and i loved it a lot. and i found it was open source, but had no documentation on how to deploy it.

i know absolutely nothing about golang. as i posted elsewhere today, "i am living proof that not everyone should learn to code." i can't code for shit and my eyes glaze over the second i see something code related that isn't linked to some web framework that i can do something with. i tried learning gleam a week or three ago and immediately lost my footing because it was too much like math and i have sucked at math since the days in elementary school they swapped out the visual representations for numbers and put a pencil in my hand and told me to write down the numbers.

but i know, confidently, that i love computers and i like working with them. i can work off other people's stuff. i know docker quite well and i'm proud of myself for knowing that. so, with the help of a lovely person on the fancoders discord, i was able to connect the database with an environment variable in the docker compose file i made, and i entirely stumbled on that because i am a mysql girlie first and postgres knower isn't second or last or anywhere because i know nothing about postgres, and i think their database URL thing is stupid as fuck literally who the fuck thought of that arcane shit, but, well, i got it working.

the person behind the codebase was very kind to me via e-mail, so please check them out! you can find their website here. if it's alright with them i'm hoping to contribute my docker stuff to their repo, and maybe some bare minimum documentation on how i got it running, at least, so others can spin up their own instances of their software.

i don't know if i'll be deploying my docker instance of the software. i want to, but well, currently i'm stuck on what to name the site, haha. i'll decide on it later.

i don't use my phone much. i check on it maybe once or twice a week. it's dead most of the time. i can't type for shit on a phone despite growing up with smartphones in my little kid hands, i prefer rotting away at my desk typing on my gross ass keyboard, and that's it. a side effect of this is that i have little to no pictures of myself or my life.

i picked up my phone again and stayed on it for more than 5 minutes the other night, for the first time in weeks. i went on instagram for the first time in a month. it gave me this sinking sense that i'm really letting my life slip away and through my fingers, the more i isolate myself, the more i withdraw, the more i talk to people through a screen and the less i hear someone's voice. i see my friends post pictures and document their lives and i realized that i haven't taken a picture of myself since maybe july.

i'm rarely outside these days. i'm out of school, currently unemployed (and trying to change that, but still, currently jobless), and most of my friends are away for college. i don't have much money, and living where i do, there's not much to do without having money. so i see little reason to go outside.

realizing that i don't use my phone, that i don't take pictures, it just made me think... what the hell will i remember this year by? if i scroll through my camera roll i'll find maybe less than 10 pictures i've taken of myself all year.

with the depression, and well, i guess ADHD now, i don't really remember much of anything. i remember some events and stuff but it's all fuzzy and blurred. i realized today that i want to at least put in some effort to document the things i do, even if i'm at home, even if i feel gross, even if i haven't changed out of my pajamas in a while. even if it's just a janky phone camera photo of my monitor showing whatever the fuck i'm doing with my terminal open, it's at least something to remember what i was working on one day.

i decided i want to try taking at least one picture of myself a week, starting today. i don't know if i'll remember to do it, but maybe immortalizing it on this public-facing site will push me to remember. i'm a little nervous sharing this, but, well, i think the pros outweigh the cons.

i'm turning 20 in about a week. here's a little bit of me at the tail end of 19.

mirror selfie of me in my mom's room, sitting on the floor, her room organized but also a tad messy in the background, a desk chair visible, the mirror not cleaned in a bit. i'm wearing a too baggy teal my hero academia themed t-shirt that clashes in colors with my red plaid sweatpants. my phone covers half my face. i'm leaning on the floor with my legs to the side. my hair is greasy and i look tired.